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F@*k Hormones!

April 30, 2007

Pardon my language, but seriously, estrogen is the devil’s work and playground!  I am usually a fairly even tempered person (most of the time), but when my hormones get all thrown out of whack, the world had better WATCH OUT!!  I become a bitch on wheels who has flames bursting from the tail pipes and daggers shoot out of her eyes.  “A look that could kill,” would be putting it mildly.

Take for instance, this past week or so.  Now, I am sure that all of you want to know about my hormones and cycles and what not, but hey, I am female, and that is a “beautiful” part of being a woman.  Especially when you mess up your pill cycle, and then switch from the normal dosage to a low level of progesterone.  Apparently I am too much woman to be able to handle the low dosage, because let me tell you, this past week has been maddening.

It wasn’t even a battle between the good angle on your right shoulder and the evil crafty devil on your left shoulder.  It was more like the hissing, flame throwing, spiky tailed dragon on your left shoulder, and the defiant, yet slightly apprehensive Joan of Arc wielding her sword and shield on the right shoulder.  One moment I felt all fine, normal and calm, and then next moment I wanted to hiss and claw at someone, and if that didn’t get the point across well enough, I would have been willing to break their heads off of their necks.  Now, I am exaggerating a bit here, but it is really quite the dichotomy at times.  Luckily, this sort of hormonal warfare does not happen often, and when it does roll into town, I generally try to lock myself up and away from others so that I can be a hissing mess away from the public.  Unfortunately this one hit me mid-work week, and well, there really isn’t much hiding that can be done, nor do men truly understand the effects of hormones (other than giving them sex drive).  Yes, I understand that you have to deal, second hand with this sort of moody mess, but do you honestly think that most women enjoy being that emotionally erratic?  I know I don’t! It drives me nuts, and it is times like these where a hysterectomy and/or menopause sound so inviting.

So, what is the lesson to be learned?  If you see me coming, and there is steam shooting out of my ears and you hear a low, guttural growl/hiss noise emitting from my person, just back away slowly and don’t talk to me.  Any sudden movements could enrage the megHan monster, and no one needs that sort of wrath bequeathed upon them!  This sort of thing also happens when the megHan monster gets hungry.  Just a tip, if I say I am hungry, you had better make damn sure that food is within your next 5 minutes of plans, or you may not have a future.  Just ask my parents how fun it is to travel around Italy with me when I am hungry.  I don’t try to be this way, and usually I carry snacks with me, but every so often the monster creeps out.  Just beware. 

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