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The Case of the Missing Keys

April 10, 2007

The Case of the Missing Keys
Warning: You are going to want to sit down for this one.  Seriously.

Everyone loses things at one point or another.  Some lose their keys, some lose their wallets, some lose their cell phones, some just simply lose their minds (cheese, I know, but I set myself up so well for that one).  Everyone does it, what really counts in the end is with how much flair the event is done in.

As some of you may know, I am not the most reliable person when it comes to keeping track of my keys.  In fact, within the last 7 months, I have managed to lock my keys in my car 3 times (twice I had to call out AAA to unlock my truck for me, only one call left until I am truly S.O.L).  One would think that this would be rather hard for me to do, as my keys are super huge and clunky and one would think that I would notice such a huge weight missing out of my purse.  But, alas, no, I am not this observant with the keys to my ride home.

However, none of these occasions were administered with flair, so we will over look these poor, pathetic attempts at locking myself out of my vehicle.

Instead, let us admire the truly unique, creative and successful attempt at locking myself out of my truck.  If it doesn’t want to make you buy me a homing device for my keys (or mind), then it will at least make you chuckle.

I will just start out with the kicker: I UPS-ed my keys to Salt Lake City, Utah.  That is right folks, I sent my keys on a little mini vacation to the snowy region, while I slaved away at work in the desert region.

Now, why would someone want to UPS their keys to some random location?  Well, that, my friends is something I cannot really answer for you.  But I will tell you that it sure makes it darn hard to get back home after your work day!  And let me tell you, the sudden drop in your stomach feeling when you realize that you have done something so completely idiotic, is also a feeling that I could live without for the rest of my life.

How does one go about UPS-ing their keys to Salt Lake City?  Well, here are the steps.  Make sure to follow them TO THE LETTER, or you may biff it up, and send them somewhere exotic, like Tahiti, and who knows when you would be able to rescue them from a life of Mai Tai’s and sun tanning.

  1. Order a pair of trail running shoes online from a company based out of Salt Lake City, Utah
    1. Make sure that they are ½ size too small.
  2. Receive your shoes via UPS three days after ordering. 
    1. Make sure you are super excited about the shoes.
    2. Try the shoes on at work.
    3. Find out the shoes are too small for your Yeti sized feet (this only pertains to me, I would never say that your feet are large, hairy, grotesque creations…wait, I wouldn’t say that about my feet either!  Well, you get the point).
  3. Decide that you will return the shoes the next day, while ordering the next size up, to be shipped to you in 3 days time (thank goodness for your parents’ credit cards!  How else would I have been able to afford this 63” Plasma TV?)
  4. On your lunch break, run out to your car to grab the shoes, already in their box, but not taped shut.
    1. While out at your truck, decide that you don’t want to buy a $3 roll of packing tape, so you absent mindedly throw your keys into the box with your shoes, you lock up your truck, close the doors, and walk back into the office to use their tape…saving yourself that whole $3
    2. After you have taped the box with your shoes (and keys) shut, you head over to the UPS Store, conveniently located within walking distance from your work, so the need of your keys is non-existent.
    3. Make sure to decide to send it the slowest way possible back to Utah; I mean, it is not like they really need those shoes/keys anyway.
    4. Then decide to go to the deli you have never tried out before, just for kicks.
  5. Once your lunch has ended, walk back to work, and don’t give your keys a second thought until you walk out of the office at 5:30pm (the door was already locked by the receptionist), and get to the door of your truck, only to realize that you are not in possession of your keys.
  6. Get flustered and annoyed with yourself for having locked yourself out of the truck AGAIN.  Throw a bit of a fit (away from everyone, of course), and storm back to the office, hoping to catch someone still in the office so that you can scour through your office area.
  7. Discover that the keys are not at your desk, or in the office, sit down and think of where you went for the day.
    1. Call the UPS store, only to find that your keys are not there (anymore).
    2. Call the deli, only to find that your keys are not there (never were).
    3. Call your roommate, who just drove back from Las Vegas and see if she would be kind enough to drive you over your spare set of keys (at least you are smart enough to have a set).  She is nice enough, and 30 minutes later, you are back on your way home.
  8. Next day, think about where you might have left them.
    1. Come to the epiphany that you may have sent your keys off to Utah with your shoes (but surely this could not be the case).
  9. Call up the company and have them put a note on the account that if they happen to process this box within the next day or so, to please give you a call if they find the keys.
    1. Continue to call this company everyday for the next 5 days.
  10. Come to the conclusion that your keys have been lost to key oblivion, but make one last attempt by sending out an email at work saying, “Has anyone seen my keys?  I lost them last Monday.  They have a key chain on them that says, ‘Ghetto Booty.”
    1. Receive loads of replies to this email, but none indicating that your keys are in the building.
  11. Receive your keys via UPS 1 hour after you sent out the email at work.
  12. Send out another email, with a picture of the now found keys.
    1. Get reprimanded by upper management for sending out personal emails.
  13. Lose your wallet.
  14. Drive home with your new found keys and place the spare ones back in their safe spot…because lord only knows you will need them again.
    1. Find your wallet in another bag.
    2. Go to sleep before anything else happens.
  15. Have everything go just dandy for a week.
  16. Rub off on your Director of Human Resources (who you work closely with)
    1. Use your powers to have her not only lock her keys in her vehicle, to also leave the lights on and the motor running.
  17. I love leading by example.
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